Santa Baby......

Dear Standard:


Welcome to the end of the year of the mind-fuck. Welcome to the end of feeling like the walls of the world are crashing all around me – the end of waking up and feeling unloved, unappreciated and in a state of complete unrest. Welcome to the end of wanting to end my life – suicidal ideations that took me to the lowest of lows in my own life. Welcome to the end of self-tyranny. Welcome to the end of not loving the people that deserve it and choosing to give the big FUCK YOU to those that should have gotten it a long time ago. Welcome to the end – and ending to neglecting my own self esteem to figure out what is wrong with other people. An ending to not allowing my daughter to get the credit of being the wonderful, talented, kind-hearted and SPECIAL individual she is because other people can’t stand to be around her glow. An ending to caring what anyone who doesn’t matter thinks about what kind of mother/parent/lover/wife/person/individual/being I am. An ending to feeling like there is something wrong with me all of the time when deep inside myself I know that it's not. An ending to wishing I am something I’m not, being something that in my heart I don’t represent, and kissing other peoples’ ass because they want me to be more like them, which is even more fucked up than I already am in the first place. An ending to loneliness and feeling 30 years older than I actually am. An ending to not forgiving myself and wallowing in self-doubt…. Self-pity. An ending to not having control over my depression. This is an ending to not loving my brothers and sisters the way that they deserve to be loved,… because in the end that’s who has supported me when I’ve needed it the most. An end of not giving my husband the credit he deserves: not giving him the kind words and love that he should’ve always had. This is an end to ending: and a beginning to the rest of my life.

This is a beginning to living as if no one else is watching – remembering truth and love like it’s a sunrise washing over the water and moving in a different direction. This is a beginning to life and new life: far reaching and expanding in leaps and bounds. This is a beginning to a happier self – cleaning my world’s eye view and my womb’s eye view of any past bullshit that has tainted it and turned my reality toxic. This is a new beginning. This is a beginning to loving self and enjoying loving others. This is a beginning of self-truth. This is a beginning to learning – to making myself into the person that I want to be. A beginning to grounding and finding peace again. A beginning to being what God gave me the power to be and not feeling bad about who that person is. A beginning to endorphin release – a beginning to making myself stronger and healthier through mind, body and spirit. A beginning to travel – getting out of the box I’ve put myself in and reaching outward and inward and through. A beginning to happiness and a release to anger – remembering my past but knowing that hope only rests in the future. A beginning to transforming into the person that I want to be and choosing to take the best from what and who created me – mother, father, spirit, life. A beginning to not being ashamed of myself. A beginning to not feeling embarrassed of where I’ve come from on my life-journey. A beginning to expanding my own reality and my own universe to embrace love and hope and a kinder, gentler world. A beginning of trying to live life like my daughter – remembering excitement and happiness. A beginning to life….

And beginnings to saying FUCK YOU to anyone who stands in my way.

Blessings.