Mother/Father

I loved my parents. My mother was this fireball of energy that could light up a room with her smile. I’ve watched her light up a room – it was something else. Yoslyn could walk in and everyone’s eyes would be on her. She had a smile that would knock people down. I don’t think she ever understood how dynamic she was. And when she got sick, she settled for whatever she got, instead of what she really deserved. My dad, oh my God my dad! I never have met someone as charismatic as Thomas Burrus. He was everyone’s friend because he was easy to be around. He had his demons, but they didn’t matter when he had a beer and a front porch – it was all relaxation and all cool. When I was little, all I wanted to be was my mother. And as I got older, my father was my best friend. Neither of them got to meet my daughter. It’s a shame.


People on my mom’s side of the family think that I am a representation of “f*cked-up parenting.” That’s all good, though. My parents had mixed up priorities, sure. But d@mmit, I loved them. I am my mother and my father’s child. I received good and bad personality traits from my parents, and that’s all good. I have my father’s easy speech and my mom’s way with people. I’m insecure like her and stubborn like him. And you know what? That’s all good.

For a long time, I wanted to raise my daughter the opposite of the way my parents raised me – no transient parenting or the rest of that jazz. But you know what? In spite of my parent’s problems I believe in my heart that they still loved me the best that they could. It’s taken me a long time to come to that realization. I’ve had my shortcomings, but I made it. I don’t have a record, I’ve got a decent job, and I have a good marriage. That’s saying something. I hug my daughter every day and I celebrate my life with my husband. She sees me… and even with my flaws, she loves me. That’s all I can ever wish from her. “F*cked-up parenting?” I don’t buy that. Maybe a rose-colored perception, but everyone and everything can change. I would be who I am any day over being someone with no sense of independence. Someone with no sense of self dignity. I would be me everyday rather than someone who has to look down at other people in order to make themselves feel important. I’d give a lifetime of nothing special for a day of unbelievable. That was my parent’s way. That was what they instilled in me. And for that, I thank them both.

I wish they would have gotten to see their grandchild. I think they both would have gotten a kick out of that. I go to my mother’s grave and talk to her sometimes. When I feel lost, saying things out loud to her makes me feel like she’s really listening. I didn’t understand my mother until I became an adult. I didn’t understand my father until I became an adult either. The difference is that when I finally understood who she was, she was already gone. With my dad, he was still here and could listen, and try to understand me. If there is anything that I treasure about the memory of my father, it’s that.

So, in May I’ll don my sundress and rock my wide brimmed hat… and walk into Churchill Downs like I was never a stranger. Richard, Akaiylyn and I are going to DO the Derby like it’s never been done before. I’ll hold my baby cousins and take some shots with my Uncle Doc, the last connection I have to the Burrus brothers. Damon, Danielle, Antwan, Kim and I will reunite with loving memories of one another, and a reinvented love that has lasted for years and years. I look forward to that.

Look out for me May 5th, Louisville. I’m on my way with a renewed spirit and great memories. See you then.

-Blessings

Happy Birthday.....

Every day, I miss you. Every day, there is something that makes me wish you were here – something that makes me wish I could talk to you and just be young, Black and beautiful again. I want to recapture that – I want to go back to those days that all we had to worry about was school and where we were going to have lunch. A time where video games and pizza ruled the universe and we all were a family of friends, depending on each other for the next laugh… the next step… the next adventure. But reality has passed over all of us like a dreamless sleep… and you’re still dead.


Harrison, a part of me wishes that there was something I could have done to save your life. Something I could have said. Some trip I could have made. Maybe I didn’t put my foot up your ass enough to make you see that you needed to take care of yourself so that you could take care of us. You needed to be here so that our family could be whole again…. Even as a unit, there’s a piece missing when you’re not there. That void can never be filled… and I’m lost without you. I need my brother back. I miss you so damn much.

Akaiylyn has grown so much – I tell stories about you often. I think about Xavier and hope that one day I’ll get the chance to look into his eyes… and see your face. I dream about that day (if it will ever come) and it makes me cry,… and ache for that reunion. That emptiness… that void that’s grown in my chest every day that you’ve been gone expands, and I would give years off of my life to just talk to you for a minute. To hug you and tell you how much you meant to me. In the end, I think you knew. I think you always knew how important and special you were to all of us. You always knew that the closest thing that I had to a natural brother was you. I miss taking care of each other. I miss being there for each other. I miss being your little sister. I miss your face.

The guys are taking pretty good care of me. Les, Smoke, Nick, Charlie – they’ve stood by me, and I love them for that. But I look at them as an enhancement to my life, not a replacement for you. Because no one will understand what kind of loss I felt when you went away. No one could understand the inner turmoil,… the lack of closure that I felt when they lowered you into your final resting place. Years have gone by,… years that I’ve felt a depression that I haven’t been able to lift because I haven’t had you to lean on. Time does not make it easier. Time does not heal all wounds. It’s just a reminder of what’s gone… on what we all lost on the day you closed your eyes and ascended. And I don’t think my life will ever be the same.

So although I miss you with everything I can bear, I continue to live on. I continue to try to continue the legacy that you left – reminding myself that my brother on Earth has just transformed into my angel up above, always watching my back. Never leaving. Always there.

Happy Birthday, Harrison. For the emptiness felt on Saturday, I light a candle of remembrance for someone who was deeply loved by many. Especially me.

Santa Baby......

Dear Standard:


Welcome to the end of the year of the mind-fuck. Welcome to the end of feeling like the walls of the world are crashing all around me – the end of waking up and feeling unloved, unappreciated and in a state of complete unrest. Welcome to the end of wanting to end my life – suicidal ideations that took me to the lowest of lows in my own life. Welcome to the end of self-tyranny. Welcome to the end of not loving the people that deserve it and choosing to give the big FUCK YOU to those that should have gotten it a long time ago. Welcome to the end – and ending to neglecting my own self esteem to figure out what is wrong with other people. An ending to not allowing my daughter to get the credit of being the wonderful, talented, kind-hearted and SPECIAL individual she is because other people can’t stand to be around her glow. An ending to caring what anyone who doesn’t matter thinks about what kind of mother/parent/lover/wife/person/individual/being I am. An ending to feeling like there is something wrong with me all of the time when deep inside myself I know that it's not. An ending to wishing I am something I’m not, being something that in my heart I don’t represent, and kissing other peoples’ ass because they want me to be more like them, which is even more fucked up than I already am in the first place. An ending to loneliness and feeling 30 years older than I actually am. An ending to not forgiving myself and wallowing in self-doubt…. Self-pity. An ending to not having control over my depression. This is an ending to not loving my brothers and sisters the way that they deserve to be loved,… because in the end that’s who has supported me when I’ve needed it the most. An end of not giving my husband the credit he deserves: not giving him the kind words and love that he should’ve always had. This is an end to ending: and a beginning to the rest of my life.

This is a beginning to living as if no one else is watching – remembering truth and love like it’s a sunrise washing over the water and moving in a different direction. This is a beginning to life and new life: far reaching and expanding in leaps and bounds. This is a beginning to a happier self – cleaning my world’s eye view and my womb’s eye view of any past bullshit that has tainted it and turned my reality toxic. This is a new beginning. This is a beginning to loving self and enjoying loving others. This is a beginning of self-truth. This is a beginning to learning – to making myself into the person that I want to be. A beginning to grounding and finding peace again. A beginning to being what God gave me the power to be and not feeling bad about who that person is. A beginning to endorphin release – a beginning to making myself stronger and healthier through mind, body and spirit. A beginning to travel – getting out of the box I’ve put myself in and reaching outward and inward and through. A beginning to happiness and a release to anger – remembering my past but knowing that hope only rests in the future. A beginning to transforming into the person that I want to be and choosing to take the best from what and who created me – mother, father, spirit, life. A beginning to not being ashamed of myself. A beginning to not feeling embarrassed of where I’ve come from on my life-journey. A beginning to expanding my own reality and my own universe to embrace love and hope and a kinder, gentler world. A beginning of trying to live life like my daughter – remembering excitement and happiness. A beginning to life….

And beginnings to saying FUCK YOU to anyone who stands in my way.

Blessings.

Question that Boggles the Mind

Dear Standard:


I pondered this one over and over and couldn't figure it out:

If both of your middle fingers got amputated, how in God's name would you live?

The Rest of My Life

Dear Standard:

For my husband:

And I'm not a man to throw words to the wind. When I said I loved you, that's what I meant., and I'm going to show you if it takes me the rest of my life... the rest of my life.... the rest of my life. - Blessid Union of Souls

Wild Horses

Dear Standard:

Childhood living is easy to do. The things you wanted I bought them for you. Graceless lady, you know how I am. You know I can't let you slide through my hands.

As much as I remember how easy it is to be angry, I watch my girls (Akaiylyn and Amber) fighting and recognize that God created a peace that can only be struck by a melody.,,,, or a chord... or just a phrase and you're whole again. Right now I'm sitting here in front of the computer watching a four year old and a twelve year old argue and it's not phasing me one bit. I've got my iPod on the speakers. I'm thinking positive thoughts... and I'm content with where I am, regardless of where the girls are.

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain now you've decided to show me the same but no sweet, vain exits or offstage lines could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind.

 I know that sounds stupid, right? I mean, how can you be content when your kids are screaming at each other? I remember going to lamaze and being told that you had to take a "me" break and sometimes just walk away. So today, I took a "me" two hours. I blocked the kids out of my head, went and picked up what I needed to get at Lowe's for paint swatches, picked out my new light fixtures (Which are gorgeous, by the way)  set up my budget plan in order to pay for those suckers (which is NOT gorgeous, by the way) came in the house and started planning for my upcoming school semester.

Wild horses couldn't drag me away; Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

The recent issues with my feet have delayed my matriculation by a semester - I was really depressed about that but, screw it - my education will be finished in God's time and I'll have my degree in God's time. I have a job interview on Thursday - hopefully it will go well. But while I was sitting here letting the girls scream at each other, I saw a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago. Stupid people are going to act stupid regardless of how much you yell and shout and perform (not that my girls are stupid, but feel free to substitute words like STUBBORN, UNBENDING, ARROGANT, any word that describes an emotion that describes your present situation. In this case, the words would be UNBENDING and STUBBORN) But as I was saying, those people are going to be that way regardless of what you do. And the best thing to do is to LET THEM. Eventually they'll realize you're not paying attention and as long as the walls of your house haven't tumbled down, you can say, "Okay, so what was your issue?" One of my best friends told me a long time ago that there is an easy way to parent without having to lay one hand on your child. I'm learning it.  

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie.I have my freedom, but I don't have much time. Faith has been broken, tears must be cried. Let's do some living after love dies.

But in all of this, I can honestly say that as I am ambivalent to them at the moment, I am keeping a watchful eye over the chorus of Blessid Union of Souls that's blasting over the speakers. Even though I refuse to say is now that they are fighting amongst themselves and looking for me to rescue them with a "STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I love them both very much and am proud of their independence and confidence. 

Wild horses couldn't drag me away; Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

For real......

One digit shorter

Dear Standard:


So, I'm home everybody. Loaded on oxycododone and ready to relax. I've got to go get the car later on. They went ahead and did the other Achilles surgery while I was there and I didn't realize it until I stood up. I was conscious through the whole procedure - the amputation and the Achilles lengthening. They numbed my ankle and then gave me more pain medicine to do the Achilles. That hurl like all hell. But it's all over. It's all done.

I thank God for giving me the strength to get through this. Standard, I don't know what I would have done without your support. I mean, I don't know what consists of resists of reality and fantasy, but I know that your ability to calm me down and make it so that I didn't scream the top of my head off was a huge comfort. After the surgery, I was delirious, but I thought about Richard a lot. I didn't hear from him that afternoon. I wish I could have heard him voice. I miss him so much. I don't have that much of a choice to layoff of the pain meds until Paul takes me to get my car (God bless good neighbors) and Akaiylyn is passed out on the couch. But I thought you deserved an update: I have two Achilles lengthening, an amputatated second toe and I'm in good spirits! Comment if you can…….