Mother/Father

I loved my parents. My mother was this fireball of energy that could light up a room with her smile. I’ve watched her light up a room – it was something else. Yoslyn could walk in and everyone’s eyes would be on her. She had a smile that would knock people down. I don’t think she ever understood how dynamic she was. And when she got sick, she settled for whatever she got, instead of what she really deserved. My dad, oh my God my dad! I never have met someone as charismatic as Thomas Burrus. He was everyone’s friend because he was easy to be around. He had his demons, but they didn’t matter when he had a beer and a front porch – it was all relaxation and all cool. When I was little, all I wanted to be was my mother. And as I got older, my father was my best friend. Neither of them got to meet my daughter. It’s a shame.


People on my mom’s side of the family think that I am a representation of “f*cked-up parenting.” That’s all good, though. My parents had mixed up priorities, sure. But d@mmit, I loved them. I am my mother and my father’s child. I received good and bad personality traits from my parents, and that’s all good. I have my father’s easy speech and my mom’s way with people. I’m insecure like her and stubborn like him. And you know what? That’s all good.

For a long time, I wanted to raise my daughter the opposite of the way my parents raised me – no transient parenting or the rest of that jazz. But you know what? In spite of my parent’s problems I believe in my heart that they still loved me the best that they could. It’s taken me a long time to come to that realization. I’ve had my shortcomings, but I made it. I don’t have a record, I’ve got a decent job, and I have a good marriage. That’s saying something. I hug my daughter every day and I celebrate my life with my husband. She sees me… and even with my flaws, she loves me. That’s all I can ever wish from her. “F*cked-up parenting?” I don’t buy that. Maybe a rose-colored perception, but everyone and everything can change. I would be who I am any day over being someone with no sense of independence. Someone with no sense of self dignity. I would be me everyday rather than someone who has to look down at other people in order to make themselves feel important. I’d give a lifetime of nothing special for a day of unbelievable. That was my parent’s way. That was what they instilled in me. And for that, I thank them both.

I wish they would have gotten to see their grandchild. I think they both would have gotten a kick out of that. I go to my mother’s grave and talk to her sometimes. When I feel lost, saying things out loud to her makes me feel like she’s really listening. I didn’t understand my mother until I became an adult. I didn’t understand my father until I became an adult either. The difference is that when I finally understood who she was, she was already gone. With my dad, he was still here and could listen, and try to understand me. If there is anything that I treasure about the memory of my father, it’s that.

So, in May I’ll don my sundress and rock my wide brimmed hat… and walk into Churchill Downs like I was never a stranger. Richard, Akaiylyn and I are going to DO the Derby like it’s never been done before. I’ll hold my baby cousins and take some shots with my Uncle Doc, the last connection I have to the Burrus brothers. Damon, Danielle, Antwan, Kim and I will reunite with loving memories of one another, and a reinvented love that has lasted for years and years. I look forward to that.

Look out for me May 5th, Louisville. I’m on my way with a renewed spirit and great memories. See you then.

-Blessings

Happy Birthday.....

Every day, I miss you. Every day, there is something that makes me wish you were here – something that makes me wish I could talk to you and just be young, Black and beautiful again. I want to recapture that – I want to go back to those days that all we had to worry about was school and where we were going to have lunch. A time where video games and pizza ruled the universe and we all were a family of friends, depending on each other for the next laugh… the next step… the next adventure. But reality has passed over all of us like a dreamless sleep… and you’re still dead.


Harrison, a part of me wishes that there was something I could have done to save your life. Something I could have said. Some trip I could have made. Maybe I didn’t put my foot up your ass enough to make you see that you needed to take care of yourself so that you could take care of us. You needed to be here so that our family could be whole again…. Even as a unit, there’s a piece missing when you’re not there. That void can never be filled… and I’m lost without you. I need my brother back. I miss you so damn much.

Akaiylyn has grown so much – I tell stories about you often. I think about Xavier and hope that one day I’ll get the chance to look into his eyes… and see your face. I dream about that day (if it will ever come) and it makes me cry,… and ache for that reunion. That emptiness… that void that’s grown in my chest every day that you’ve been gone expands, and I would give years off of my life to just talk to you for a minute. To hug you and tell you how much you meant to me. In the end, I think you knew. I think you always knew how important and special you were to all of us. You always knew that the closest thing that I had to a natural brother was you. I miss taking care of each other. I miss being there for each other. I miss being your little sister. I miss your face.

The guys are taking pretty good care of me. Les, Smoke, Nick, Charlie – they’ve stood by me, and I love them for that. But I look at them as an enhancement to my life, not a replacement for you. Because no one will understand what kind of loss I felt when you went away. No one could understand the inner turmoil,… the lack of closure that I felt when they lowered you into your final resting place. Years have gone by,… years that I’ve felt a depression that I haven’t been able to lift because I haven’t had you to lean on. Time does not make it easier. Time does not heal all wounds. It’s just a reminder of what’s gone… on what we all lost on the day you closed your eyes and ascended. And I don’t think my life will ever be the same.

So although I miss you with everything I can bear, I continue to live on. I continue to try to continue the legacy that you left – reminding myself that my brother on Earth has just transformed into my angel up above, always watching my back. Never leaving. Always there.

Happy Birthday, Harrison. For the emptiness felt on Saturday, I light a candle of remembrance for someone who was deeply loved by many. Especially me.