Happy Birthday.....

Every day, I miss you. Every day, there is something that makes me wish you were here – something that makes me wish I could talk to you and just be young, Black and beautiful again. I want to recapture that – I want to go back to those days that all we had to worry about was school and where we were going to have lunch. A time where video games and pizza ruled the universe and we all were a family of friends, depending on each other for the next laugh… the next step… the next adventure. But reality has passed over all of us like a dreamless sleep… and you’re still dead.


Harrison, a part of me wishes that there was something I could have done to save your life. Something I could have said. Some trip I could have made. Maybe I didn’t put my foot up your ass enough to make you see that you needed to take care of yourself so that you could take care of us. You needed to be here so that our family could be whole again…. Even as a unit, there’s a piece missing when you’re not there. That void can never be filled… and I’m lost without you. I need my brother back. I miss you so damn much.

Akaiylyn has grown so much – I tell stories about you often. I think about Xavier and hope that one day I’ll get the chance to look into his eyes… and see your face. I dream about that day (if it will ever come) and it makes me cry,… and ache for that reunion. That emptiness… that void that’s grown in my chest every day that you’ve been gone expands, and I would give years off of my life to just talk to you for a minute. To hug you and tell you how much you meant to me. In the end, I think you knew. I think you always knew how important and special you were to all of us. You always knew that the closest thing that I had to a natural brother was you. I miss taking care of each other. I miss being there for each other. I miss being your little sister. I miss your face.

The guys are taking pretty good care of me. Les, Smoke, Nick, Charlie – they’ve stood by me, and I love them for that. But I look at them as an enhancement to my life, not a replacement for you. Because no one will understand what kind of loss I felt when you went away. No one could understand the inner turmoil,… the lack of closure that I felt when they lowered you into your final resting place. Years have gone by,… years that I’ve felt a depression that I haven’t been able to lift because I haven’t had you to lean on. Time does not make it easier. Time does not heal all wounds. It’s just a reminder of what’s gone… on what we all lost on the day you closed your eyes and ascended. And I don’t think my life will ever be the same.

So although I miss you with everything I can bear, I continue to live on. I continue to try to continue the legacy that you left – reminding myself that my brother on Earth has just transformed into my angel up above, always watching my back. Never leaving. Always there.

Happy Birthday, Harrison. For the emptiness felt on Saturday, I light a candle of remembrance for someone who was deeply loved by many. Especially me.